FGA

FGA’s

Frequently given answer:

A response to ‘What is all this nonsense about then?”

Jeremy Beecher-Phan

For twenty years, this shy and retiring individual has been quietly amassing an endless collection of notes, records, snippets, and delicate morsels of prose. In the words of his mentor, Jean Bowden—author of 120 novels and a long-time talent scout and supporter of new writers for a major publisher—these works "are too good not to be published."

The collection occupies suitcases, overflows from shopping bags stuffed with battered brown notebooks, and weighs down his long-suffering laptop. This mountain of verbiage has reached a steady accumulation of some five hundred thousand words. It includes ideas, character sketches, attempts at humour, vivid descriptions of settings, and fragments of scenes and events. As Jean once advised—much to Jeremy's disquiet—this could readily form the backbone for at least six standard-sized paperback books in a series.

Although Jean passed away ten years ago, her enthusiasm, thoughtful appraisal, and infectious laughter in response to some of his passages remain a constant source of inspiration. Yet, the passing of lifelong friends and family members has impressed upon Jeremy the undeniable truth that, for all philosophical conceits otherwise, time flows forward in but one direction. As the aches and pains of advancing years make themselves known, Jeremy finds himself at a crossroads: it is now or never—publish or be damned.

This Substack is his means of introducing some of the 162 characters and countless events documented in the six proposed books as they are finally wrestled into both sense and shape. It is also a platform for inviting feedback and commentary from friends, family, and any curious onlookers willing to join him on this madcap literary journey.

Jeremy is, if nothing else, a perfect exemplar of the "high-functioning introvert"—the kind who inexplicably creates in others the mistaken impression that he is outgoing and, on occasion, amusing. However, it must be confessed that Mr. Spratticus Phipps—despite how painful it is to betray his existence in such a manner—is a fictional creation. Through this fabricated personage, Jeremy can communicate more comfortably while maintaining a thin but necessary layer of plausible deniability.

Mr. Spratticus Phipps serves as Jeremy’s voice, enabling him to share his thoughts and engage with readers without shouldering full accountability for this chaotic literary endeavour. By channeling his efforts through Mr. Phipps, Jeremy retains the freedom to embrace the absurdity of it all while distancing himself from any suggestion of seriousness or responsibility.

And thus, Mr. Spratticus Phipps will guide you through the unfolding of Jeremy’s accumulated nonsense—err, literary treasures. Whether brilliance or chaos emerges from this project remains to be seen, but Jeremy is prepared to entrust Mr. Spratticus Phipps to lead the charge, unburdened by any tangible connection to the reality of the writer himself.

Within his posts, Mr Spratticus Phipps will therefore offer the following FGA to the questions that follow -

How— and by what peculiar means or fortuity of circumstance—did Mr. Spratticus Phipps emerge from his writing room at the end of his garden, to unleash upon the world the six absurd little books that, much to his discomfort, draw him into our present consideration?

How - and by what manner of misguided means of thought, is he so daring as to propound the unbelievable claim that he has done nothing more than attempt to record at first hand, certain of the events and people, places and histories of the “Wrealme of Thome”?

And - just what are the titles that form the founding texts - the Six Tomes of Thome?

Deidre Dinglebert and the Mystery of the Missing Fisherman's Finger

Bertha Wheezewarter and the Birth of the Bumskwidge Beast

Theopode and the Electric Insect Detector Incident: The Hunt for the Wildeworme

Sylvia Snogsbert and the Fall of the House of Squitter

Kermillah Ghasm and the Curse of Captain Kurdle

Gillieflower and Albert Humbleby: Tales from a Homely Hovel

And, of course, there is the small matter of his current preoccupation: The Salt Crusted Chronicles of Augustaphus Meeke, which—assuming an adequate supply of custard cream biscuits—may in due course join the increasingly preposterous bibliography of nonsense that is The Wrealme.   

What follows within the unlikely pages of this SUBSTACK is then, the start of the beginning of the first step towards revealing, in no particular order - 'gleaming glints of glory of the many splendours that are the Wrealme of Thome.'