Cuttings from The Daily Spread
Portselyme's Newspaper of Record often reports on the incidents and events that take place within the six books that form the 'Wrealme of Thome' cycle. Here's a few to pique interest.....
Obituaries
A fond and heartfelt farewell to beloved Agony Aunt Pherlicity Luffknutte, whose calm and wise words of counsel guided so many of our readers.
For over twenty years, Pherlicity was the kindly voice responding to letters sent to the Problems Page by troubled or anxious readers. She was never judgemental, always genuinely supportive, and able to help resolve even the most intimate or embarrassing personal problems. Pimples, pregnancies, affairs, addictions, unfortunate proclivities of a personally intimate nature, unpleasant diseases, and awkward flatulence—Pherlicity tackled all the distressing challenges with kindness and understanding.
The few remaining family members still in contact with Pherlicity advised our editor that her difficulties with alcoholism were exacerbated by the pain of her third divorce, and that conflict with friends over her mounting gambling debts overwhelmed her, triggering her lifelong depressive disorder.
Not seen for a week, Pherlicity was found by court bailiffs barricaded in the bungalow she shared with her beloved Siamese cats, Pi Pi and Chi Chi, clutching an empty pill bottle. Despite missing several toes and one ear, police are not making further enquiries, pending forensic analysis of a cat litter tray.
Celebrations To Greet New Electric Loo – A First for Portselyme
Landlady Mrs Deidre Dinglebert of The Sleepy Squidde Tavern down on Crabbe and Wynkle Way is proud to announce the installation of Portselyme’s first Electric Loo, with thanks to Messrs. Schrimpitte and Skarpah Plumbers.
“The All New Electric Loo from the Easy Wee Lavatory Company is the latest in modern lavatorial services,” said Deidre. “It has an exciting fluff, puff and pamper option to freshen up even the hardest to reach crevices. It’s also cost effective too – ten-pence to pee and a pound to poo, and that’s not to be sniffed at.”
A Grand Opening will be held this Saturday, and direct from Heaven’s Helpers Hall Retirement Home, Old Ma Hotpole and the Boiler House Babes will take to the stage to perform renditions of their greatest and only hit. Pies, courtesy of Mrs Millicent Myncer’s Pie Emporium, will be served, and chef Gravy Bones Jones, formerly of The Saveloye Charre and Swille, has created an exciting new menu featuring Sea-Squirt and Squid Soufflé as well as his classic Cockles au Vin. Sponsored by Whynger’s — “For When the Finest Cockle’ll Do.”
The exciting evening is brought to you with exclusive support from Pilker and Progeny Funerals (and Ice Cream Parlour) off Ossory Road.
To celebrate their new ‘Face the Future’ service, Pilker’s are giving a massive 50% discount on this cutting-edge concept in cosmetological cadaver enhancement, all backed by a lifetime guarantee.
Now you can meet your maker with confidence, knowing you’ve never looked better. Leave your loved ones with a look that they’ll never forget.
As the friendly folk down at Pilker’s say — “You never get a second chance to make that all important last impression.” Remember, Pilker’s — it’s everybody’s favourite.
Update: Fire Station Blaze Mystery Continues
Smoke still comes from the remains of the fire-station on Dolallie Alley after the fireworks and BBQ party held to raise funds to buy a new fire extinguisher for the Fire Person’s Retirement Home. It’s not clear how the blaze started, but the folk at the Retirement Home are planning to hold an event with support from Mr Piccawillie’s Circus (Fun for All – All for Fun) featuring the Flying Aunts Trapeze Team, jugglers and fire-eaters. All to raise money to replace the fire engine lost in the flames.
Missing Fisherman’s Finger Found – Diner Strikes Gold at The Sleepy Squidde
A wave of excitement rippled through The Sleepy Squidde when a fortunate diner stumbled upon a rather gruesome discovery — a severed finger belonging to the fisherman who had mysteriously gone missing the previous week. The finger was found nestled inside one of Mrs Myncer’s infamous meat pies, much to the astonishment of all present.
“It was a bit of a surprise to be honest,” said Mrs Spuwke, eyes wide with disbelief, “especially as I’d had a little nibble and broke a tooth on the wedding ring that was still on it.”
The unexpected presence of the wedding ring added a curious twist to the tale. No one is expected to come forward to claim either the ring or the finger, which means Mrs Spuwke will get to keep the ring as a peculiar souvenir of her dining experience.
Meanwhile, Mrs Myncer, ever the shrewd businesswoman, reports queues of eager customers forming outside the tavern — all hoping to get lucky too. The atmosphere, as ever in Portselyme, was a strange blend of horror and delight: proof that even the most macabre mishaps can become the talk of the town.
Pie Shop Owner in Court
Answering serious allegations of false labelling and deceitful advertising practices, Mrs Millicent Myncer took to the stand in her own defence. “No way are you pinning this one on me,” she stated to the court. Serving up one of her famous pies to the bench, “Look closely, see – it says MEAT – I never made no claims as to what kind of meat it was. You’ve got nothing on me.” The trial continues.
Obituary: Ernest Pilker Senior
The family of Ernest Pilker Senior are sad to announce that he passed away happily surrounded by his family whilst doing the Hokey-Cokey during son Ernest Pilker Jnr’s eighteenth birthday party.
“Oh he was having a right old knees up,” said long-time companion Kermillah Ghasm. “One minute he was putting his whole self in and taking his whole self out, and there he was giving his all to shaking it all about. Turns out he was having a heart attack according to Dr Snottesbury.”
In celebration of his life, Doris Pilker is offering 40% off the price of her latest perfume Esprit De Corpse — a full-bodied blend of citrus, cypress, formaldehyde, lily and hyacinth.
Small Ads
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You need Dr Augustin Pieces, acclaimed Psychocognologist — now in a new office after the bend on Dolallie Alley. Remember – Pieces, for peace of mind.
Pieces’ New Consultancy Service – Support for Your Pet
Is your prawn crackers? Has your lobster gone potty? Worried your crab’s conspiring against you? You need Dr Augustin Pieces – Pet Psychocognologist. Remember, Pieces for your pet’s peace of mind.
Are you unsure about insurance? Do you have doubt about debt? Can’t count on your current accountant? Worried your mortgage will outlive you or that your endowment isn’t big enough? Fforthfryte and Phrottle can help.
Business Pages
Local Businessman’s Latest Venture
“It’s been a great success,” said proud owner of Bert Butcher’s College of Cosmetology and Builders Merchants. “A lot of effort to open, but already all our classes are booked and the goods yard is at full capacity.”
“From my own time in the trade, I know how challenging it is to keep up a polished appearance working on a building site all day in all kinds of weather. It was a real struggle to find time to get my hair fixed or my nails done. Opening the Cosmetology College in the goods yard has really transformed things. Now the builders can pop in for a spa treatment, facial or paper while they’re waiting for the truck to be loaded or cement mixed.
“Builders make great models for the students to practise on. Doing a makeover or creating a whole new look for a builder really tests their new skills to the limit.”
“They really love all the extra attention they get when they’re on site as well. The wolf-whistles and cat-calls from passers-by really boost their confidence no end.”
Captain’s Companion / Night Watch Woman
Wealthy Captain (widower and childless) and owner of an island seeks mature Companion / Night Watch Woman to nurse him through his final months, to provide company, solace and succour to the end. Generous salary, unlimited expense account and all the mushrooms you can eat. Successful candidate likely to be remembered in his Last Will and Testament.
Lost at Sea
Sad news from Captain’s Row. Noted business owner and benefactor Mr Sydney Schweller is believed to be missing from his beloved yacht The Gloria, named for the mysterious muse which inspired his designs and his uncanny ability to improve the comfort and position of the female bosom. Business partner Mr Dirk Diggesby is commissioning Pilker’s to handle the funeral arrangements, but there are uncertainties remaining about whether or not the body of the deceased is found. Pilker’s will be using their premier hearse for the occasion, drawn by a team of four, so for gardeners, a visit to Captain’s Row after the event is recommended.
Gas Explosion at Local Pub
Luckily no one was in the building when there was a minor gas explosion at The Sleepy Squidde. Landlady Deidre Dinglebert said that there were no injuries and that there was a small amount of damage caused. Thought that the cause of the explosion was the jukebox overheating due to the popularity of the latest hit song from Ma Hotpole and the Boiler-House Babes.
Sad News: Psychic Sal
An outpouring of sadness followed the loss of Portselyme’s own medium Psychic Sal last night whilst leaving The Sleepy Squidde. Grieving companion and long-time stage assistant Sickly Sue was devastated at the news. “She’d have recovered from being struck by lightning, but it was being run over by the ambulance that done her in.”
Acclaimed for her legendary foresight and her live shows where she demonstrated intimate relations with the dead, Psychic Sal will be honoured in a ceremony supported by Pilker’s. “It’s sad that she never saw it coming,” said Sue. “It was like a bolt from the blue. We’re still deeply shocked.”
Great stuff, Jez. A nice bit of 'ooh-err' late night mirth!